Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil. One said to the other, “What do you think about all this Satan stuff?”
The other boy replied, 'Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out… It's probably just your Dad.”
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, “Why is the bride dressed in white?”
The mother replied, “Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life.”
The child thought about this for a moment, then asked, “So why is the groom wearing black?”
Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, “My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper. He calls it a poem, and they give him $50."
The second boy says, “That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper; he calls it a song, and they give him $100.”
The third boy says, “I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper; he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!"
An elderly woman died recently. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for the memorial service, she wrote, “They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead.”
A police recruit was asked during the final exam at the Police Academy, “What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?"
He answered, “Call for backup.”
A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem. A small child replied, “They couldn't get a baby-sitter.”
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with the five and six year olds in her class. After explaining the commandment to Honor thy father and thy mother, she asked, “Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?”
Without missing a beat, one little boy answered, “Thou shall not kill.”
At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.
Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and she asked, “Johnny, what is the matter?”
Little Johnny responded, “I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife.”
How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?
Roman Catholic: None (Candles only)
Lutherans: None (Lutherans don't believe in change.)
Presbyterians: None (Lights will go on and off at predestined times.)
Charismatic: Just 1 (Hands are already in the air.)
Episcopalians: 3 (One to call the electrician, one to mix the drinks and one to talk about how much better the old one was.)
Mormons: 5 (One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him how to do it.)
Nazarene: 6 (One woman to replace the bulb while five men review church lighting policy.)
Pentecostal: 10 (One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.)
Baptists: At least 27 (One to change the light bulb, three committees of 5 to approve the change, and 11 to decide who brings the potato salad and fried chicken.)
Methodists: Undetermined (Whether your light is bright, dull, or completely out, you are loved. You can be a light bulb, garlic bulb, or tulip bulb. Bring a bulb of your choice to the Sunday lighting service and a covered dish to pass.)
Unitarians: We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey you have found that light bulbs work for you, you are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your light bulb for the next Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of light bulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, 3-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence.
Amish: What's a light bulb?